so i just watched the movie Premonition. besides the fact that, had my dad not been in the room, i would have bawled at the begining part, especially after just going to a funeral less than two weeks ago, it was a way intense movie. but lets get to the part that confused me the most.

that movie made me not want to get married, have a husband, have any kind of relationship with a guy. i know that sounds a little extreme, but heres my reasoning. im terrified of getting cheated on. of finding that one true love, and then him finding out his one true love isnt me. i cant imagine having to go through a divorce, and what it would do to our kids. secondly, he's going to die. sure, theres a 50/50 chance ill die before him, but that has got to be the most unbearable pain to have your husband/wife die. to be quite honest, i dont know how my grandpa is handling it right now, after being married to my grandma for 59 years. it seems like the best way to avoid all that pain is to just not put yourself in the situation to have a husband or wife die, aka not get married or have that kind of relationship.

now, heres the other side of that. i dont want to swear off guys before even giving it a chance, because its very possible that i could find THE one. be happily married to one guy for the rest of my life and never regret a minute of it. sure, lots of people get divorced these days, but it doesnt mean i have to. also, everyone dies. and even if i dont have a husband, theres still going to be people i care about and theyre going to pass away. im going to have to deal with death one way or another, so i might as well make it worth the time in between.

is it weird that im already so concerened about my future husband cheating on me and dieing when im just in high school? yeah. i thought so. *sigh*

Currently Reading Memoirs of a Geisha By Arthur Golden see related

Every day i feel more and more ready to leave and go to college. I know ill miss it here, and im sure ill visit occasionally, but i dont feel like ill be missed. That feeling is what makes me want to leave that much more. Why would i want to be somewhere with people who wont miss me when im gone? I'm just ready for a new start, new people, new experiences. I'm tired of just going day to day, being stuck in the same routine. There are a few people i will definitely miss, my kipper, jessica, jonathon, kendra, people at the gym, and my parents... but really, other than that, ive lost almost everyone i used to be close to. It sucks, and i know a lot of it has to do with me dating orrin, and even that isnt going incredibly well as of lately. that boy makes me so happy though... but anyways. the thing is, its not like me and orrin spend ALL our time together. at most, we'll hang out once or twice over the weekend, hang out at basketball games (on fridays, because i work every other day)... but we really arent "obsessive over each other" as my mom says. i have plenty of time to hang out with my other friends, they just never ask... i mean, i guess its understandable. im just ready for high school to be over. im dying to get to high point, like no joke. i can not wait. im sad i cant go to the basketball game there this coming weekend, a bunch of people who got accepted are going and i wish i got to meet some of the people... but lizi and i might go down and stay with this guy she knows who goes there. im pretty excited about that.

but i guess thats it. im tired of this place. im tired of feeling like i dont have any friends. im tired of being in high school. i guess ill just try to enjoy whats left of it... and look forward to next year.

so christmas happened. went to florida like always. as much as i love going to florida where its warm, a nice change from the weather here right now, i remember every year why i dislike florida so much and why im a small town girl. florida is huge. the city where my grandparents live and the city where my aunt lives... theyre enormous. you go out to drive to the grocery store and you pass hundreds of stores, twenty or thirty roads, drive under eighty or ninety stop lights, and pass two or three trees on the way there. excuse the language, but what the hell us up with that? when im in florida it feels to me like people arent there to live. theyre there to work and make money, so that they can keep working and keep making money; they just want to survive and make it through the day. maybe im not describing it the right way... florida, and all other cities for that matter, but particularly florida, remind me of people stuck in a bubble. inside their little bubble, people go to work, they come home, they sleep, they wake up, and they do it all over again. im almost positive life isnt REALLY like that for the people who live there... its just... i dont even know how to explain it. its such a rat race around there. massive amounts of traffic, sirens going off all the time from all the police and ambulances flying by, store upon store upon store, ridiculously high cost of living... i dont know how people stand it. i cant remember a single morning in north carolina that i was woken up in the wee hours of the morning by the sound of an ambulance driving by. traffic where i live only happens once a year, after the christmas parade (which, ironically, is before thanksgiving...) when everyone and their brother is downtown. and even then, it only took me 20 minutes longer to get home than it usually would.

anell tells me that some people like the city, although ill never understand why. ive decided that after college, i want to settle down in a small town, possibly even the area i live in now. its so weird for me to say that, because, being born from atlanta, i always convinced myself that i was a big town girl and that i wanted to go to atlanta again, go to UGA and live in marietta where i lived before. not anymore. not for me. no way.

buuuut anyways. life is good. im about to start my last semester of my senior year of hs, which is both extremely exciting and extremely nerve-wracking at the same time. im defenitly glad to be getting ready to move out. im worried about it, but im ready for a change. high point is still my number 1 choice, and so far, my only choice as i havent applied anywhere else (much to the disappointment of my sister). im a semi-finalist for their presidential scholarship, so that hopefully i can actually afford to go there. im going for interviews in february.

k. thats all for now... it seems like i had so much more to say...

life is not a contest. it doesnt matter if a guy thinks youre prettier than me. it doesnt matter if people think youre funnier than me. it doesnt matter if people like you more than me. because number one, youre probably dead wrong, and number two, it make you a bitch for throwing that kind of stuff in my face over and over again. in fact, doing that makes you less attractive, it makes you less funny, and it makes people like you less. get over yourself, youre not as great as you think.

oh, and you know what else? if youre in my class and you have too much of an attitude to even say ONE word to me and try to be my friend, dont bother asking to borrow my straightener every damn day... it just pisses me off.

things in life that i like right now (not in order of importance)

1. younglife

2. week-long homecoming activities

3. hanging out with my best friendssss.

4. hanging out with crazy hilarious young life leaders

5. kicking ass at the powder puff game.

6. feeling loved

things in life that i do not like right now

1. boys boys boys

2. senior project

3. college applications

4. lots of homework

5. having to do color guard AND carry flags during my senior homecoming.

6. being cold

so i guess it all evens out... right?